You're not the same as you used to be

Have you ever had that moment when you realize you aren't the same person you used to be?
I was driving home from work the other day and it just hit me. If I were to answer a questionnaire now on how I react to situations and people, my answers would be very different from the person I used to be. 
I also look at the people I have collected as friends in the past couple years and I can see how different they are then those that I had before. I also look at my old friends and see how some of them would now class with my personality but I also see how some of them have become more compatible with me. It's funny how time has a way of changing you and the people around you without your knowledge. 

I used to be very fearful of what other people thought about me. I always felt judged for how I acted and what I said. I was not one to share my opinions as I didn't want someone to confront me on my views. I hated the thought of getting into a confrontation or someone not liking me for my thoughts or opinions. I used to prefer being alone as it was a much safer choice. I used to let my friends pick me. I was friends with just about anybody. I even hung around people I didn't like because I didn't know how to assert myself and didn't have the courage to say no to people. 

Now I still care what people think about me. But no to the point where I would try to change who I am to suit them. My caring now is more based on if peoples' opinions are based on the truth or on a lie. I am o.k. with people not liking me because I don't like all people either. I don't have to be friends with the world to be o.k. with myself. 

I have noticed that over the years I have learned to assert myself and have become more opinionated. I used to feel that if someone has a difference of opinion then it was a personal attack on me if they wanted to discuss it. I have come to separate my opinions on a topic from my feelings for the person. It's become almost amusing to me to come across people who can't make the separation because I see how I used to be in them. People who will drop a friendship because of a difference of opinion, or people who think if you are having a discussion with them it means you are trying to change them or are trying to telling them they are wrong in some way. I get into it with my husband sometimes because he says if I don't agree with something he did (getting angry at another driver), he says I'm against him. Just because I don't agree with your view of the situation doesn't me I don't see it from your side or that I am against you. I just don't believe in pretending anymore I feel one way when I don't. I also have come to like debating. That would have been a big dread of mine in high school or collage even. I have come to learn that debating is healthy. It gets your opinions out so you aren't bottling them up inside and it gets you to clearly define your opinions. I find more times then not people fall somewhere in the middle on a topic and are rarely ever 100% pro or con. I think you can learn something from listening to someone else's point of view and I don't think a debate is about trying to sway anyone's opinion. However I do believe if you do not like confrontation or debating do now say things that are debatable. Keep your opinions to yourself or only say your opinion when you believe you are in company with people who agree with you. 

I've realized in the past couple years that I have actually chosen for myself who my friends will be. I have not blindly let people decide for me who I will spend time with. I have gone out of my comfort zone and joined a social group. Not only that but I have met women I normal would never have met and have learned to not judge on first hand appearances. I have more in common with some people that I would think we would have nothing to talk about I have nothing in common with those I would have naturally leaned towards. 

I think the biggest change I have made, and I'm not sure when it happened, was the gaining of my own self respect. Valuing my own opinion and believing in my own voice has taken me from a mousy push over to someone who isn't afraid to speak her mind. I know the change has improved how I let people treat me but beyond that. It has also given me courage to stand up for other people. I really think the change happened after I had my son. It was a bit of an emotional time. A personal issue happened during a family holiday and I told my husband that no one will disrespect me in my home in front of my child...from that day on it morphed into you will not disrespect me or my family. It's one of those things. once you start standing up for your you can't stop. Then you start standing up for others, because if you are viewing yourself as worthy of respect then clearly those around you should be treated with respect. 

All though this is all things that have improved my life there is a bit of a downside...I have become my mother, I have become brutally honest with people. I think it has come from years of being told that everyone else's feelings were more important then my own. From hiding my own feelings and opinions so as not to hurt the feelings of others. So now if you're going to act like a jack ass. I'm going to flat out tell you you're being a jack ass. I won't sugar coat it for you and try to lesson the blow. The truth hurts but we are all entitled to hear the truth. I think in the end it makes us better people. If you are to busy trying to put a spoonful of sugar in the medicine the true point gets lost. My mother has always been the kind of person that just flat out tells you what she things when she feels you need to hear it. At times I hate it. At times it makes me angry and I want to hang up on her or kick her out of my car, but I listen and I learn. Sometimes I'm stubborn and I wont admit that she's right but I do step back an evaluate the situation. I rather have people angry with me for telling them the truth, then to have them be happy with me when all I want to do is slap them across the face anytime I see them.